I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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