i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Im part way to drunk.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I did not marry a roomba.
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