bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
