who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
