you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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