Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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