My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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