you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
