I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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