benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
