I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
