there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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