my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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