In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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