Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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