i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
