when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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