he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
