I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
even my farts smell like vagina
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Who died my cat blue again?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
