people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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