So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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