I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize