My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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