Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
