I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
