Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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