There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
