dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
