i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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