Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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