There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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