So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
