I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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