I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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