So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
