my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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