So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
