Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
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