It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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