I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
