thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
