if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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