How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
