Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
