my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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