so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
