she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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