Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
