Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
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