I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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