We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
