My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
