I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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