It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I didn't notice because vodka
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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