i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Randomize
