True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm having to shit out rocks
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
