Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
