I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
