Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
